Goodbye 2011

As we near the end of another year it is normal to reflect. In my situation it sometimes seems hard to reflect because, I feel stuck. I feel like I'm stuck in April. Like anything that happened after that just doesn't even matter because Cameron is not here to share it with me. But I have started to accept that Cameron is not here. Cameron has passed away from this earth, but thankfully not away from my heart. That is where he lives. That very special place in my heart and no one can take that away. I am thankful for his short, but very meaningful life. He taught me how to love. Not that I have never loved before, but I had never loved like that. I have never loved someone so dearly, that I would have traded my life for theirs. That's how I loved Cameron. I would have taken his place in heaven. But he is waiting on me. And whenever God decides he needs me, I'll be ready.
No this is not a post to say I'm dying. Just to say I finally have come to terms with the fact that all life ends. Some end earlier than others, but God's timing is always right. I believe Cameron's biggest purpose was to open my eyes to the calling on my life. God knew that I would want to be close to Cameron. So he took Cameron with Him. I have no other choice but to totally surrender my life to God's will for me.

Visit

I went to visit Cameron a few days ago. I do not like cemetery visits because it brings back the pain of That Day. But the guilt of not visiting my son feels a lot worse. I took some pictures which I never post because it's a bit private for me. I sang to him, and I cried. The hardest part of this is the empty feeling I take with me everywhere I go. From April 5, 2011 to forever, my life and everything I do, will be covered with this cloud of grief. No matter how happy I feel, I feel like I will never get to truly fully feel that experience because my baby died, and he was supposed to share those happy moments with me.

Shhhh....we don't talk about those things!

AIDS. MISCARRIAGE. ABORTION. Sounds like pretty terrible things for people to go through.... and they are. But they are real and people need to talk about them instead of living in denial. These and other topics seem taboo, but when we sweep them under the rug they just get worse. Okay, let me rewind. Where did all this come from? December is the awareness month for AIDS, which is still a taboo topic, especially in the black community. But the leading new cases of HIV are among black women. Shelby county leads the state not only in HIV, but also fetal and infant mortality. We have to stop living in denial, because the people that are experiencing these things need support. I cannot live in denial about giving birth to a dead baby. The families of people that die from AIDS complications cannot live in denial. The girl that is raped and aborts the baby produced from that rape cannot live in denial. We have to live with it.

Oh give thanks

Well Thanksgiving. You came, I conquered. Yesterday I woke up and Cindy was on my heart. I started to call her but I was rushing for work (as usual) so I said a prayer for her and her family. I'm not sure why God placed her so heavy on my heart but he did. Today, Cindy invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner because I have no family here. I am so glad she did. If you have never met a person with the heart of God, give me a call and I'll show you where she is. It was relaxing to be with her because I felt like, if I cry for what seems like no reason at all, she will understand. I almost did cry seeing the story about CHM on the news today. Not a sad cry, but tears of joy. Joy because baby-loss is becoming less of a taboo topic.

In other news, the holiday season is here and it makes me miss Cameron like never before. I was supposed to have a 3 month old. I wish I was changing dirty (cloth) diapers. I wish I was breast-feeding. I wish I was waking up for a baby crying instead of my own. But I'm not. My son is dead. And it hurts. But there is a rainbow after this storm. When I think of all the plans I had for Cameron's life, there is one plan that is more important any other. I wanted him to go to heaven. And he did! And when I think about holding my son, I pray and ask God to cradle me in His arms, so that I can be next to Cameron. For that I am thankful.

Back to Work

Well, this is the last night of official vacation. I am well rested and somewhat ready to go back. I'll miss hanging out with my mama and doing absolutely nothing, but now I'll have to save that for off days. Anywho, while on vacation I read The Help. A great read and movie if you haven't had the chance to check it out. The main character said something I liked. Her son died from a tragic accident. She says, " I was surprised to find out the world kept going even though he didn't." Wowsers. I felt like that Wednesday. I was okay with having fun, until I felt like something was missing. It was Cameron. I was going on, and Cameron wasn't. I was just going through my day and Camron is not here. That's a crappy feeling. But I am starting to accept that his quality of life right now is much better than mine. He's in heaven.

You read this??? WOW!

So first of all, I had no idea so many people read my blog. That makes me feel good because I open up a lot more here than I do with my counselor. Isn't that good use of my money? Anywho, to those that read regularly, thank you. I started writing because I wanted people to know how big of an impact Cameron has made in my life. He was so tiny, yet so meaningful. His life will forever be apart of me, whether I have other children or not.

Secondly, Cameron is the most important person to me. Period. I love my mother dearly, everyone knows that. God is first in my life and I LOVE the Lord. But Cameron is my son. If I mention him, and you have the thought "oh not this again", save me some time and remove yourself from my life. I don't need that. If you don't have a kid at the cemetery, then you are not allowed to tell me how to grieve. I reserve the right to grieve openly and without shame. But not just me, any other baby-loss mom.

Lastly, this is a bit off topic. I am not perfect. That is one of the hardest things for me to say. "Church-folk" sometimes expect you to be perfect when you let them know you have a calling on your life. Well too bad, I'm not. God is perfect. And I allow Him to work perfectly in me.

Friday

Not a day goes by when Cameron Xavier doesn't cross my mind and I love that. Last night at our LAMBS meeting I was able to talk about Cameron freely and without shame. I wish I could do that everywhere I go, but unfortunately the talk of a child in a cemetery makes others uncomfortable. I guess I can't expect everyone to understand, but I wish like heck they did.

I wish Cameron could tell me what heaven is like. I know it's wonderful because it's heaven. This may seem like a random thought (ok sort of) but I often wonder if my angel is watching me. He has to be, I think knowing he is with the Lord is what dries my tears. But I just wish he wasn't untouchable, I mean I would pay $.10 a min to talk to him. Of course I wish he were here for me to change his diaper and things, but if I can't have that, can I get a letter from God telling me he's doing well? I'm gonna end this with something Robin posted on Facebook.

"Dear God, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell him about you, but since I didn't get the chance, will you hold him on your lap and tell him about me?"

Ton of bricks

That's how my pain hit me today. It was unexpected and I was unprepared. I am so tired of hurting, but then I realize that this will never change. April 6th will always be the day I gave birth to a dead baby. And it sucks. It sucks that me or any woman has to go through this. It sucks that women that don't deserve to have children have  plenty, and I can't have my Cameron. Life sucks. It sucks that I have to look at pictures of my star that will never shine on earth. It sucks that no one understands how deeply this hurts every day of my life, and it will hurt for the rest of my life. It sucks that I feel like God let me down. Have you ever prayed and prayed but God still didn't do what you wanted? And not only did he not do what you wanted, he gave you the worst possible outcome. It sucks that instead of picking out cute Halloween costumes I had to pick out flowers for his grave. I hate this. It is not fair. But am I exempt because I feel like I would be a better mother than other women? No, I am not exempt. I am not exempt from bad things happening in my life. And that sucks.


Ecclesiastes 9:11 I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

Cliches

I thought this post would be very appropriate for today since it is National Cliche Day.



When things happen in our lives people have plenty of cliches to "help" us along the way. One the most overused is, "Everything happens for a reason". Ugh, it does but do I have a hear that now? I heard a line in a gospel song that said I don't need another cliche when I'm going through real pain. Everything does happen for a reason, but when I'm really hurting that's not what I need. Just be there for me. My friend Robin posted this today. It's from " In A Heartbeat". "Dear friend, I am sorry your baby has died, I desperately wish I could change what has happened. I have felt your pain, please know I care and I am praying for you. Right now, let god carry you. He won't let go of you. I promise."


The only thing you can promise me is that God can and will ease my pain. You CANNOT promise me more children, you don't have the knowledge or the power. Don't attempt to ease my pain by cliches, they do NOT help. And please don't  think I will not talk about my baby. He is my SON. He is very important to me and a huge part of who I am. He is apart of my daily thoughts, therefore he is apart of my daily conversation.

To My Friends....

Hello old friend, Oh yes you know I lost my child a while ago. No, no please, don’t look away And change the subject, It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel, It took so long, but now it’s real. I hurt so much inside you see I need to talk, come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long, And people said, “My, she is so strong.” They did not know I couldn’t feel, My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke I clutched my chest, began to choke, Such a scream, such a wail, Broke from me.. My child! My child! The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see, Everyone except for me. Now, when I need friends most of all, Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear, When I mention my child, I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,” Their eyes seem to say--No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today. So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”. But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile, As I have from the start, You never knowing all the while, All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

Answering the call

In order for me to sleep at night I had to answer the call. It took a lot for me to get to this point. But as always God is in control. I was so worried about what people would think, I didn't stop to think about that those factors don't matter. God has called me to serve His people in a special way. I am, and have always been, a minister of the Gospel. It was more of a burden to run away than it is to surrender. In fact, my surrender has given me an unspeakable joy.

Retell the story

It's been six months. It feels like yesterday. For those that hadn't heard the story, here it is.


Fear. Everyone has it but no one will admit to it. At some point we have to face many of our fears. As crazy as it may sound, facing a fear is the way to overcome it. Six months ago, without my knowledge I would be facing something I feared the most, death. It is not something I have overcome, but I am learning how to handle it. Here is my story.

I was twenty-two weeks pregnant. This is the "easy" time in pregnancy. By easy I mean not as hard as the first trimester. For the most part I was a happy pregnant woman. I still went to work everyday, went out with my friends, shopping etc. My pregnancy really did not hinder much of my usual activity. My health was in good shape, my son was doing just fine and everything was right on schedule. I decided we could finally start shopping for baby things. Life was good.

 April 4, 2011, I was extremely sick. It stormed that night and my power went out, so I went to my Will's house and stayed the night. He stayed up to take care of me the whole night. I remember thinking, I hope the baby is okay. It was a very restless night. Even with everything going on, I tried to remain positive and get as much rest as I could. I still had to work in the morning. The next day I did my best to get up for work. I didn't drive to work because I was still not feeling well, but I told Will to stay close because I might be leaving work early. I felt horrible. I also felt anxious because had not eaten and wanted to make sure the baby was okay. I stayed at work maybe an hour before I left to go to the hospital. This was when my life would change forever.

 I called my Will to meet me at the hospital because I had been taken by ambulance. By the time I got settled into a room, he had arrived. The first nurse came in to check my son's heartbeat using a Doppler. She was having trouble finding it. With me being as far along as I was I knew something was wrong. She should be able to hear his heartbeat. The brought in another nurse and an ultrasound machine. When I saw his image on the screen, I was facing my worst fear. My son had no heartbeat. He was dead. For any mother, this is her worst fear. To see the nurse type no fetal heartbeat was the one thing I never wanted to see, but was forced to face. MY SON WAS DEAD. As horrible and cruel that is, it was true. I now had to bury a baby I never got to meet.

 I was in labor twelve hours. April 6, 2011, Cameron Xavier Foreman was born sleeping. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He had my nose and his dad's eyebrows. I wish I could have held him forever, but I had to bury him. A bittersweet moment. I get to hold this perfect child, but death is taking him away.

 For the past six months, I have been working to spread awareness of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Even though it was not my choice to face this particular fear, through this I have a gained a need to serve my community. I am more aware of every moment I have with my loved ones, and a lot more thankful. I would not say that I have overcome, but I will say that I will never be the same.

My niece.......(Vent)

OK, I need to vent about something. And I hope the necessary parties see this. I am venting on my blog because I actually cannot go to this person about it because it really is not my business. If I say something to the person it may cause more confusion than is needed. And honestly maybe saying it on my blog will cause the same amount of confusion, but it's my blog so I'll say what I want.

Children are a blessing. No matter their behavior, who their parents are, etc. If you enter a marriage with someone that has children, that says you are willing to be apart of that child's life. Here's what I am upset about. There is a child close to me that is being treated differently than her brother because she is the stepchild. Both parents (the father is biological) say that this is because her behavior is not up to par. But I know this child can feel the rejection from her stepmother, she may only be 7, but she knows when something isn't right. This of course angers me. The child is my niece. My brother's firstborn. He has a son with his wife and it seems to me the son is favored of my niece. Now both children are blessings and both children are loved. But my niece seems to be the outcast and I think she deserves just as much love and affection as my nephew. Now I know you're thinking, what could make you think that your brother doesn't love his daughter as much as his son? It's not him, it's his wife. For example, they recently bought a beautiful home. They have 4 bedrooms and a bonus room. There is a master, an office, a playroom, and a guest room. Now I believe my nephew sleeps in the room with his parents. When my niece is over she sleeps in the guest room. Here's my issue. They make this big to-do about this playroom for my nephew, but nothing in that house represents my niece. Is she not my brother's child? Recently my mother spent the day with my niece. While she was happy to have the time with her granddaughter, she felt as though they were just throwing her to the side so that it could just be the three of them. I don't think it's fair. I don't want my niece to grow up with the same rejection from her father and stepmother as I have.
Here's a thought I had. Though I never wish anyone to lose a child, I often wonder if my SIL had experienced a loss before having her first child, would she be softer toward my niece. Before losing Cameron, I never had much patience for children. After losing Cameron I felt I had all this mothering I needed to do, all this love to give but no one to physically share it with. So I'm a lot more patient with children. I love to hear a happy baby and want to console a crying baby. So I wonder, if she had ever been in my shoes, would she act differently. The life of a child is too precious to ignore.

God Equipping Me

I am learning that everything that I'm going through, everything that I have been through is God equipping me for this next assignment. All the struggles, heartbreaks and losses I have had in the past six months alone has given me an amazing testimony. But I have to tell while I'm in the midst of the storm, because even though I'm hurting, God has not left me.

“I used to be Much Muchier, But then I lost my Muchness.”- Alice In Wonderland

Five months ago, I was expecting a son. I was expecting dirty diapers and breast-feeding. Terrible twos and learning to tie shoes. Kindergarten and finger painting. Tricycles and boo-boos. But I got none of that. My muchness I had five months ago is gone. All I have now are pictures and shadowbox of memories. I wanted my son to be a right now, not a memory. I want him to be present not past. I hate this lesson that I am learning. I wish I could be learning how to make baby food instead of learning to grieve. My muchness is gone. Everything that made up Joanna has now changed because Cameron is not here. I was told today that mothers carry their children in their hearts no matter how old the child is and even if the child is not here. That is so true. Before I was pregnant with Cameron, I was just Joanna. I am now Cameron's MOTHER. That word is so important to me because it validates me as a mother, but it also validates Cameron as my son. It validates that Cameron was my muchness.

Breast Cancer Awareness...umm you failed

Ok I'm going to be the party pooper. :( I know someone will get offended. I hope instead of being angry, if you participated in the latest facebook "breast cancer awareness game", that instead, you will open your heart and listen to me and maybe be able to see things from a different perspective. Our circumstances tend to be the basis for our opinions right? Ok. :)

Last year a game was started on facebook, to "raise breast cancer awareness". Women emailed other women, to keep it a "secret from men" (because we know that helps cancer patients), of how to play, to post their bra color as their status, so men would wonder what the fuss was all about, and somehow, this was helping to raise breast cancer awareness. Maybe because bra's are for breasts, that was the link *shrugs* It even made it on the news. 

Then it became posting where you like to leave your purse by saying "I like it on _____", so you were left with a sexually suggestive status message. For instance, "I like it on the chair in my office" Again, I'm having difficulty understanding how this helps anything related to breast cancer. And what is the point in "hiding it from men", when men TOO can be the victims of breast cancer... but many don't know.. because nobody tells them!

Then we were told in secret, to post our shoe size, but in inches, another sexually suggestive status message. So I guess if you have big feet, or small feet... well you get it. In the end, most people had NO idea it had anything to do with Breast Cancer Awareness. :(

Now another game is being played. This particular game, was when I had enough and felt I needed to speak up. We now have women on facebook pretending to be pregnant by choosing a number representing their birth month, and birthdate. The birth month states how many weeks "pregnant" you are, and the birthdate claims what you are craving". There was a list of candy to choose from. For instance, had I played the game, my facebook status message would have said, "I am 13 weeks and craving gummy bears!"

When someone figures out that it's a game and that person is not really pregnant, they are not an ounce more educated about breast cancer than before they fell for it. :)

I'm not playing this game. As it appears, I can not have anymore children due to lupus. I have suffered 3 losses, one of which was at 22 weeks and has changed my life forever. As you can imagine, pretending to be pregnant as a joke, is downright vulgar to me. 

From this game, I witnessed someones mother become ELATED at thinking she was about to be a grandmother by her daughters participation in the "game". It took nearly a day for her daughter to sign back onto facebook (I'm assuming she has a job :) ) and tell her she would email her, the email that informed her that no blessing was on its way. I haven't seen that girls mother say much since then on her page in the last few days. Is it related to her post? I don't know. Maybe not. But, nonetheless, at least for a bit there I imagine she felt like a dream come true for her had just been ripped out of her chest. But hey, it was for charity right? I mean, come on, it's for a good cause, why should anyone say anything bad about it! I'm not alone in feeling this way. 

I'm the sure next comment will be... "yes but now people are more aware of Breast Cancer Awareness because of the game". Again.. this whole thing is an epic fail. All this has done is cause strife and divided us as women. Not drawn us together. Not taught us anything about a serious medical issue at all. It is still pointless and insensitive. And I don't believe the original intentions of the creator was for Breast Cancer Awareness at all. This is now being sugar coated to retaliate against the infertile community who is now in an uproar. Naturally we are always labeled as bitter. We're rather used to it. We get called bitter when we feel no "bitterness" at all. Please stop stereotyping us. We know you didn't originally intend to hurt us at all. Of course not. But when you tell us to lighten up after we say "ouch", that's when it feels personal. Instead, just say, "I didn't think of it that way". Because we know you probably didn't. What ever happened to a good old fashioned apology without a "but, but, but!" right after it? I'm not lashing out at the people who sent it to me, gosh I know you probably meant nothing by it. I still love all of you :), promise!

Yes, I know. We judge others based on their actions and ourselves based on our intentions. It is a human flaw. I don't see how a passionate intention to help spread Breast Cancer Awareness could have ever been the focal point in starting this game. This was a game that never should have had the Breast Cancer Awareness Cause pinned onto it. Let's find more productive respectful ways to spread awareness instead of using silly facebook status messages. As a society, we have just GOT to be more creative than THAT. I believe that in my heart of hearts. We can do better! You know which one really worked that WAS funny and WAS focused on Breast Cancer Awareness!? The "feel your boobies" and "save the tata's" campaign! :)

Lupus

It seems as if the universe is saying, let's give Joanna 1 more thing to not go right. I was diagnosed with lupus August 19th, 2011. One more burden to give to God.

Something New

Well, I am moving. I think being in a new place will help but I also feel as if I am just running away from my issues. Although this time I am just moving across town instead of another state or city, I still have the same feeling. Sometimes I miss Cameron so much I can physically feel it. It almost feels like someone has put bricks of grief on my chest. I usually have that feeling at home. Now I know I should probably just deal with the negative association that I have with my current environment, but since I rent...I don't care to. I'll just move.

I keep feeling like I haven't done enough for Cameron. Like there is something else I need to do to help his life leave a mark. I feel like his life means nothing to anyone other me, Will, and my mom. I wish I could figure out what it is.

This particular post will be somewhat random because that's how my thoughts usually are this time of night, but I had to write.

I have been really praying and meditating on what God wants from me. I will admit some things I have knowingly and willingly done wrong. What I hate is that there are people that feel that my wrongdoing was the reason for Cameron's death. I know that I did everything I could for Cameron. I know that I was the best mother I could be the short time I had as a mother. So I know that couldn't be. I do think that God has a plan for my life. I think that my experience has something to do with that plan.

Now for the other stuff. I go back to the doctor tomorrow. I already tested positive for antiphospholipid syndrome. Ok, I know right super long word. It just means my blood clots at the most inopportune times (i.e. pregnancy)It's good to know why it things happen, it's not good to know that they may or may not be preventable.

I want to say thank you to everyone that said a kind word on Cameron's day. I actually was in a wedding that day, but it's ok. A fellow BLM told me it's ok to have fun, don't exclude fun from your life. Also, thanks to the froggy that was by my door that day. I guess that was my "Hi Mommy" from Cameron.

Sunny Days

I like days like this. Sunny days and happy posts. Had a good day at work and a good weekend. Saturday was Cameron's day. How I love that baby boy. Saturday I was also a bridesmaid in a beautiful wedding. I thought of it as God giving new life to a wonderful relationship. I miss Cameron with all of my heart, and him not being here hurts everyday, but today was easier. Thanks to everyone that help make Saturday a little easier. Especially the sweet ladies from CHM!

Due Date

Well today is August 6th. The day I thought I would be exactly 40 weeks. But, I'm not. I just got very upset because sometimes I feel like I pushed it to the back of my mind. I want to always remember Cameron. I have no idea how I will make it through this day. I'll be able to write more later.

Holy Spirit

On facebook I am apart of a group called Love Letter's from Your King. It gives a scripture and a "love letter" from God to women. I never saw the reading for April 6th, Cameron's birthday but I just saw it tonight.

My Princess,
I see how hard you try to handle your heart, and I know you want to live a life without heartaches and pain. I'm asking you to take a step closer to your Father in heaven by crying out to Me when you hurt. Let Me heal you. Remember my chosen, King David? He cried out to Me in his fears, disappointments, and sin, and I answered. You are also My chosen one, and you are My daughter… so it’s okay to cry. I don’t expect you to pretend that pain is not real. It is truth and tears that will give you the freedom that I want you to know. Now let go of that part of your heart that only I can heal. Let your heavenly Daddy hold you while you cry.

Love,
You King who wipes away your tears

“THOSE WHO SOW IN TEARS WILL REAP WITH SONGS OF JOY.”
PSALM 126:5


This of course made me cry. But it also made me realize that I really should not be ashamed to cry. God knows my pain is valid even if people don't and He is the only one that matters. I have and will sow in tears. But it WILL get better. I will always grieve for Cameron, but I won't always be grieving.

House Hunting

Well there comes a time in every young person's life where they have to really buckle down and plan their future. Unlike some in my age group I am not married and refuse to do so. Yes I do want children but I don't want marriage. Not right now anyway. So I am house hunting. And don't need a husband to do it. Because I have been told it can't be done, I have to make it happen. There's the good ol motivation. Thanks naysayers. Anywho, I think I have found what I want. I'm so picky. And I'm only wanting Midtown. For those that are not aware Midtown is a pretty artsy area of Memphis and VERY liberal. One part of me will fit in. So if anyone has suggestions or advice. Feel free to give it.

Last night .....

Last night was really tough for me. I was so angry with, well, everything. I don't like that part of grief. I'm not usually mad about much so the emotion seems foreign. I know that God loves me. I know he loves Cameron. And while I don't understand the way he moves all of the time, I have to accept it. That's the part I get angry about. I just have to deal with Cameron's death. I have to deal with the fact that even if I have 10 healthy babies, I will go into an 11th pregnancy with the fear giving birth to a dead baby. It seems harsh but that is the reality.

I am thankful for a few things. I am thankful for my CHM mommies. They remind me that Cameron's life is just as valid as any other child. They understand that my pain will never go away. They understand the fears that come along with pregnancy after loss. They understand how frustrating it is when people say some of the dumbest things. Thank you so much for understanding. I thank God that He has placed such an amazing group of people in my life.

Angry

I am so angry with EVERYONE. My facebook posts are angry. I don't trust anyone. I feel like my right to motherhood was was violently snatched away. It is not fair. I am tired of hearing people tell me "It was God's will" or "You'll have another baby" SHUT UP! You don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea if I will have another baby or not. You can't promise me that.

I feel like I'm losing friends. I get so angry with everyone. And because my trust in God is not where it was, I definitely don't trust any person. How long will this go on? When will the pain not be as sharp?

To My Friends....

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, She is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
….Author Unknown

Naiveté

As most know, I have recently started a new job. Well there just happens to be a girl there that is four months pregnant. I don't get upset with her pregnancy, but I am upset with her naiveté. I remember that feeling. If someone had informed me of the pregnancy loss stats before Cameron died, I would have told them they were lying. This is her first pregnancy, I don't think she went into with the amount of fear that BLMs have with pregnancy after loss. That scares me. It scares me to think of another pregnancy that way. I feel like before any of my losses, I thought of pregnancy as this easy peasy deal. Now the thought of it gives me shudders. I feel like my innocence has been snatched away. Like a kid that just found out Santa isn't real.

blah, blah, blah

I hate foolishness. I wish there was a class that people could take to help eradicate foolishness from the world, but so many would not be able to figure out how to sign up. I really wish people would think before they spoke, but I guess I can save that wish for the genie in the bottle. People that I deal with on a regular basis can seem really dumb to me. I wonder why. I think I'm going through a phase. I hope it's just hormones.

Speaking of hormones, my fever is down. Yes, the baby fever is not as strong. Not sure what happened, it just did. Not much going on these days. Still (and will forever) miss Cameron, but other than that life is pretty mundane. (crickets chirp)

Fever

So lately I have had the fever. Baby fever that is. And it's a weird feeling for me because so many other emotions are attached. Now Cameron is my 3rd loss. I have had two 1st trimester losses and of course they still hurt, but it's definitely something different about Cameron. Not only because he was 2nd trimester, but I had just started feeling confident that he would be here in August. So with that being said, the fact that I have baby fever scares me even more. It also brings feelings of sadness and guilt. Sadness because I miss my son, but guilt because I feel like having another baby will make people forget about Cameron. I don't want to forget him. I don't want anyone to forget him. But I do want children. Thankfully I am not allowed to get pregnant until all my testing is done. So I have quite awhile to think about it. But this feeling is the pits! To want something so bad and to feel like God just keeps saying, ummm maybeeeee.......NOT. I sometime feel like this is some cruel joke. But I remind myself, God always has a plan. It gets hard to remember that, but after the tears, sleepless nights and headaches I remember. And it gets a tiny bit better each day.

Bad day

I am sad today. Today was the last day on my job. I will miss my Comcast family. Most of all today I miss Cameron. I thought this would be the perfect time to write because I wasn't sure what to say. I talk to Cameron often, as if he is sitting next to me. I often wonder if it is true what people say. I have been told that the pain will not be as sharp later. I can't believe that right now. The pain seems permanent and comfortable. I feel if I don't have pain, I don't have Cameron. I wish I could go back to the last day I felt him move. That was March 31st. I didn't talk about him in past tense then. It is hard for me to move on with my life because I feel like I'm not supposed to.

‎"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

What to say

For the last few days I have logged on and then stared at my computer screen. I had no idea what to say. Not that I haven't had anything on my mind, I was just not sure how I would put it into words. I still have no clue, but I'll try my best. I have been very angry lately. Angry with the fact that people are moving on with their lives, and I am still stuck. I'm not really sure where I'm stuck. I don't really feel like I can manage more than going to work, and eating at this point. Sure I have plans for next year, but I was not supposed to have those plans. I was supposed to have a 10 month old. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Almost like a robot. I've been programmed for the task, but there is no feeling.

In the middle of writing today I got a call saying I got a new job. I think it would be good to get away from the old stuff. No one knows my story so they may say things that may offend me but they don't know. I have to remind myself that they don't know. I'm glad this happened. I have something to put my mind on for awhile.

Sigh

I have really been trying to blog everyday but work keeps pulling me away. I'm not really sure what to write but lately I've been having the feeling that my life is not supposed to be this way. Right now I should be getting ready for my baby shower next Saturday. But instead I'm mourning my son. Things are just not right.

Off day

Well I was off work today. Off days are difficult because since I am off during the week, I have no one to keep me distracted. So today was no different, I was alone with my thoughts. I took a mid-day nap and had a dream that my mother and were trying to keep a walrus from coming in the bathroom. I got so tense during the dream when I woke up I had made a fist so tight I scratched myself. What does that mean? A walrus, my mom, and a house we lived in when I was a little girl. I guess I'll have something close to an answer in my next blog. I also had a test today which I aced. (yay!) I have a 4.0 average. Life seems to be moving too fast. We are quickly approaching the 6th and I am mentally preparing myself. I miss Cameron more and more these days and I think it's because he was supposed to almost be here, not be gone.

Good Grief

So I was just reading a fellow BLMs blog and read words that summed up EVERYTHING.

"I miss who he was going to be"

I had so many plans for Cameron. I wanted him to play with trucks and footballs. Get dirty and eat bugs. I wanted to him to hate to take baths and roll in the floor. I feel as though I have a right to motherhood and that has been taken away from me. I went to visit Cam's grave today and had an epiphany. I haven't been robbed of anything. I was blessed with Cameron, therefore blessed to be a mother. Now some may say that he's not here, he died before birth so that doesn't make you a mother. Well, simply stated, they are stupid. I thank God for the time I had with my son. I thank God for placing him in my life and even though he didn't get to do all the things I planned for him, there was one plan that was fulfilled. He went to heaven. That was my ultimate goal for his life. Whether he played for Alabama or not, heaven is eternal and that means I will see him again. Wow. I will see him AGAIN.

Last Weekend

Well this is the last Saturday I will have off for a while. I will be working weekends until the end of the year. It sucks but I am thankful for a job. Today has been a weird day. I had lunch and shopping with my best friends, but now I'm kinda lonely. I think I need a hobby. Anywho, last night I went out and had sushi at Bluefin. I had trendy sushi places. The food is always over-priced and the rolls are too small. I was also very unhappy with them automatically adding gratuity. Now, I am a great tipper. I usually tip about 20%. The server we had should have gotten the minimum of 15%. They added 18% gratuity because it was after 10pm. I was so angry. I guess that was just one of the many things pissing me off this weekend. I'm going through the angry part of my grief right now. I feel like people should stop with every plan they have because my plans were stopped so suddenly. I don't think it's fair that they get to go on with life and I feel like I'm just stuck. It also makes me angry that people are either afraid to talk about Cameron or they bring him up at an awkward moment. I don't think people understand that loss is loss. If I lose my mother, the pain is no greater than the pain of losing my child. In fact, it is the loss of my son that is greater because I never knew him.

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is." ~Ronald Reagan

Constructive Grief

I recently found out that a co-worker of mine lost her child at 32 weeks, and I was asked to minister to her. Of course I am always willing to help one in need but I hate that she has to go through the pain. I think it is so unfair. My heart breaks for her. I prayed for her the minute I found out. One thing I am happy about, I am happy that God has equipped me with the tools needed to help someone else. I have a heart to help others. I love to help others. Making others happy makes me feel good. I think that's why I have a tough time having enemies. I may have those that dislike me, but they will still come to me for help.

 ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:3-4

My friends and I just made plans to go to Rome next year. I am so excited. The highlight of the trip for me will be going to Ephesus. I will get to walk where Paul walked. Paul is my second favorite person in the Bible. Anywho, this is a dream of mine that I will finally get to let come true. I am very thankful for the opportunity.

Late Nights and Early Mornings

The title of this post is also the title of the album I listen to when I study. Usually because it is either a late night or early morning. I have finally found a way to show the picture that I have of Cameron's feet in an artistic way. Between the books last night I arranged his memory book. It has taken me awhile because I can't always get through it without crying. I have this great picture of his feet and I love it because it shows how much he would have looked like me, I have very long narrow feet and so did he. Looking at that makes me feel closer to him, like we shared an inside joke.

Today's work day was not as bad. I was not as emotional as yesterday. I did get very offended by somethings some co-workers said. I hate when people make assumptions based on their experiences. I guess that's all you can really make assumptions on because that's all you have. Anywho, I just feel like just because you suck at life, doesn't mean you have to tell me I will. I remember in high school a girl (who was 17 with 2 children) told me I would have a baby before 21. Well I didn't because I am 24 and Cameron was my 1st child. Just because she made bad decisions, she assumed I would do the same. But all of that is over now and I am home. Homework here I come.

Rainy Days and Monday

Monday, does anyone look forward to those? I do remember that they were much easier before Cameron died. Today was tougher than most. My sister is getting married and I am very happy for her, but the wedding is on Cameron's due date. I honestly think that if it were any other day I would be a lot more excited but right now I just can't seem to make myself feel any other way. I love my sis and really want her day to be happy, but I can't hide my feelings about my son. There have been good things to happen. I have finally found a support group. Crossheart Ministries is a group of women that have majorly impacted my life in a short time. I feel like I have finally found people that "get it". We meet the 2nd Thursday of each month and I am looking forward to it. It's nice to have something to look forward to.