“I used to be Much Muchier, But then I lost my Muchness.”- Alice In Wonderland

Five months ago, I was expecting a son. I was expecting dirty diapers and breast-feeding. Terrible twos and learning to tie shoes. Kindergarten and finger painting. Tricycles and boo-boos. But I got none of that. My muchness I had five months ago is gone. All I have now are pictures and shadowbox of memories. I wanted my son to be a right now, not a memory. I want him to be present not past. I hate this lesson that I am learning. I wish I could be learning how to make baby food instead of learning to grieve. My muchness is gone. Everything that made up Joanna has now changed because Cameron is not here. I was told today that mothers carry their children in their hearts no matter how old the child is and even if the child is not here. That is so true. Before I was pregnant with Cameron, I was just Joanna. I am now Cameron's MOTHER. That word is so important to me because it validates me as a mother, but it also validates Cameron as my son. It validates that Cameron was my muchness.