10 minutes

Ten minutes. Doesn't seem long. Unless something happens very quickly, not much can happen. But with God, time is different. Someone told me today to just take thing ten minutes at a time. A day is too much right now. Just ten minutes.Every ten minutes I consciously remind myself that God is in control. I remind myself that he does love me. I remind myself that God is ever present in my life. I remind myself, every ten minutes, that He is same yesterday, today and forevermore. I remind my self that Cameron's death was not my fault. I remind my self that He is in heaven and at peace, feeling no pain. I remind myself that my Gran (Marie) is with him. I remind myself that Grandma (Mamie) is no longer in pain. I remind myself that it is okay to cry and grieve and that grief has no set time. Every ten minutes, I take a deep breath and thank God I still have life, which means I still have purpose. Every ten minutes, I ask for forgiveness. Every ten minutes I ask for clarity. Every ten minutes I am given is a gift from God.

Now...

Now, a post for what this blog is about. Cameron Xavier. My sweet angel. I miss him everyday. They say this thing gets easier. It gets a LITTLE easier with time. I mean I can get dressed and eat food without crying. But there is a hole in my heart. A piece of me is in heaven. I cry sometimes because I think about what he would have been like. What kind of mother I would be. I get sad when I think about what could have been. What should have been. I get mad when people don't understand that I am a mother. I get upset when I see mothers that could do better. I get really mad when I see a child mistreated. I am very hurt when people don't understand that I will never have a child. Another thing that ticks me off is when people joke about pregnancy. Can you believe someone started a rumor that I am pregnant? What a silly thing to say, especially since I can't have children. Clearly that was started by someone that doesn't know me, but I digress. I miss my baby. I want him here. But I can't have him. It sucks, it hurts, but God has comforted me in amazing ways. He has truly given me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Thoughts...

I think back to how I was just a few years ago. Thank God, I have matured. I remember when little things used to upset me. Some little things still do. But I am learning that everyone is not me. Everyone does not have the same upbringing as me. I try not to fuss. But I still do sometimes. But I am understanding how to be more tactful. My priorities are in the right place. For the most part. I try my best. I just try to be the woman God wants me to be. I still make mistakes, but I try to learn from them. Now when I am in a familiar situation, I look back to what I did or didn't do before. Use what works, try a different method. I guess this is what growing up is like. And now I understand how people older than me feel when they give advice that is not followed. Especially when it's given to someone they love. I want the best for everyone. Even my enemies. I figure if things go right for them they can leave me alone. I try to give when I can. I put God first. I try to glorify Him in everything I do. That's why I understand the trials now. I understand that it's not punishment. The bible says many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all (Ps 34:19) My desire is that others understand that. I know somethings come with time, but I pray that the Lord would open their hearts to know.

The beginning

This is the beginning of me. I am writing this on my blog not to receive pity, but to show that God is real. This is also therapeutic for me. If 5,000 people read it, if 5 people read it, I just hope to help one.




Wednesday, September 24, 1986 JoAnn Shields had a C-section. The past 40 weeks she was expecting a little girl that at this point, turned breech and wrapped the umbilical cord around her neck. I was that little girl. From what I am told I was in position but turned at the last minute. According to my mother, she got cut in half to give birth to me. According to my brother, I looked like an apple. But, to the rest of the world, I was Joanna Marie Shields. All 6lbs 15oz and 19 inches. Of course I don't remember much of baby life (who does?) but what I can remember about my early childhood are pretty happy memories. I was in love with my mama (still am), looked up to my brother, and laughed at my Gran. Until I was about three years old, I talked to no one but my mom and the babysitter. I mean, I was able to talk but I just didn't want to. I was simple like that. If I made up my mind about something, that was it. My mom often tells the story of how she asked when I was going to start talking to people. I answered very simply, "When I'm three." On my third birthday, at the party, I greeted people at the door. Now I don't know what my mom thought, but that should have let her know that I did everything when I was ready.

I remember starting school. I went to Mt. Pisgah Day Care in Orange Mound. My grandmother lived in Orange Mound and cooked for the day care. I only vaguely remember kindergarten. I do remember spending a lot of time with my grandmother. I would go to her house after school until my mom got off. I don't remember having an unhappy childhood, but I do remember one detail about this time in my life. I had a great aunt that lived a block away from my grandmother. Sometimes I would stay there. My great aunt has a daughter that is mentally challenged and the daughter has a male friend that is as well. I was about five years old at the time he sexually abused me. I'm not sure but I think he knew it was wrong because he would tell me not to tell anyone. This was the beginning of shame for me. This was when my innocence was snatched away. I still don't feel comfortable going to my great aunt's house. Little did I know, I would battle with abuse for the better part of my life.

Well...

I haven't posted since Cameron's birthday because I just didn't know what to say. But, now I'm back. A lot has happened since but I'm not going to get into that right now. I have decided to write my story. Not because I think it's interesting. It's actually a pretty painful story. But it has a lot of hope, faith and love. And I want to share it. Hopefully I'll have the first part soon.

Happy Birthday Cameron

Wow. One year. It has been one whole year since I held my sweet angel in my arms. At 2:30 am, Cameron Xavier was born after 12 hours of labor. Labor that was not physically hard, but mentally hard. It was tough knowing that I was giving birth to a baby I would never take home. Yesterday morning I called my fellow BLM Tiffany because I was so upset and I needed someone that could understand. She knew exactly what I was feeling. I am so glad she took 45 minutes from her morning to give to me. I talked about the bad times of the day, but I also talked about all the great times. I took Cam's pictures out and talked to him for a while. My sweet pea is always on my mind, but he was especially on my mind today of course. I can almost remember how it felt when he would kick. Someone asked if I thought I would be where I am today a year ago. I never would have. First of all I thought I'd have an 8 month old little boy. But even though I don't I didn't think I would be at this point in my grief. I thought I would cry forever. But God has turned my mourning into dancing. I still miss Cameron. I will always love Cameron. But I will see him again. Luke 23:43 is where Jesus tells the thief that today he will be with him in paradise. I think it is only befitting that Cameron's birthday is on Good Friday and that verse is part of the seven last words of Jesus before He died. Cameron is in paradise! Thinking of the 7 last words of Jesus, they are befitting for his birthday.
1.As I found out Cameron died-My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
2. To those that reacted negatively to my grief- Father forgive them, for they know not what they do
3. What God told Cameron- Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise
4. What Cameron told God- Father, into your hands I commit my spirit
5. What God told me and Cameron- Woman, behold your son: behold your mother
6. What I told the nurse (lol)- I thirst (I had not eaten or had anything to drink since 5pm the day before)
7. After giving birth- It is finished 
But just like with Jesus, the death was finished, but the life had just begun. Cameron is spending eternity with his heavenly Father. Happy Birthday baby. No party I could give you can compare to what you have now.

Almost

I hate the word almost. It reminds me of Cameron. I almost was in my third trimester. I almost had a baby shower. I almost had a living child. The word almost means very nearly but not exactly or entirely. And I feel like I will never entirely be happy because my son is not here. I will never be exactly whole because a piece of me is in heaven. I almost had a piece of greatness, but he died. I hate that feeling. The feeling that God snatched away a piece of joy from me. I hate questioning my faith. I know God loves me. (John 3:16) I know he has a plan for me. (Jer 29:11) But some days I feel like he just is not there. (Psalm 22) But in reading that Psalm, David reminds us that God is still there and he does hear our cries! He will never leave us! And that is what has kept me going this past year. The knowledge that God loves me, He has a plan for me, and he will never leave me! But before I can get what God has planned for me, I have to go through the process He has for me. Cameron, my sweet angel Cameron is a part of my process. God has so much in store for me. And the best news is that when I leave this earth, not only will I be with my Father in heaven, but I will be with my son. Nothing is even almost better than that.