Lupus

It seems as if the universe is saying, let's give Joanna 1 more thing to not go right. I was diagnosed with lupus August 19th, 2011. One more burden to give to God.

Something New

Well, I am moving. I think being in a new place will help but I also feel as if I am just running away from my issues. Although this time I am just moving across town instead of another state or city, I still have the same feeling. Sometimes I miss Cameron so much I can physically feel it. It almost feels like someone has put bricks of grief on my chest. I usually have that feeling at home. Now I know I should probably just deal with the negative association that I have with my current environment, but since I rent...I don't care to. I'll just move.

I keep feeling like I haven't done enough for Cameron. Like there is something else I need to do to help his life leave a mark. I feel like his life means nothing to anyone other me, Will, and my mom. I wish I could figure out what it is.

This particular post will be somewhat random because that's how my thoughts usually are this time of night, but I had to write.

I have been really praying and meditating on what God wants from me. I will admit some things I have knowingly and willingly done wrong. What I hate is that there are people that feel that my wrongdoing was the reason for Cameron's death. I know that I did everything I could for Cameron. I know that I was the best mother I could be the short time I had as a mother. So I know that couldn't be. I do think that God has a plan for my life. I think that my experience has something to do with that plan.

Now for the other stuff. I go back to the doctor tomorrow. I already tested positive for antiphospholipid syndrome. Ok, I know right super long word. It just means my blood clots at the most inopportune times (i.e. pregnancy)It's good to know why it things happen, it's not good to know that they may or may not be preventable.

I want to say thank you to everyone that said a kind word on Cameron's day. I actually was in a wedding that day, but it's ok. A fellow BLM told me it's ok to have fun, don't exclude fun from your life. Also, thanks to the froggy that was by my door that day. I guess that was my "Hi Mommy" from Cameron.

Sunny Days

I like days like this. Sunny days and happy posts. Had a good day at work and a good weekend. Saturday was Cameron's day. How I love that baby boy. Saturday I was also a bridesmaid in a beautiful wedding. I thought of it as God giving new life to a wonderful relationship. I miss Cameron with all of my heart, and him not being here hurts everyday, but today was easier. Thanks to everyone that help make Saturday a little easier. Especially the sweet ladies from CHM!

Due Date

Well today is August 6th. The day I thought I would be exactly 40 weeks. But, I'm not. I just got very upset because sometimes I feel like I pushed it to the back of my mind. I want to always remember Cameron. I have no idea how I will make it through this day. I'll be able to write more later.