Happy Birthday Cameron

Wow. One year. It has been one whole year since I held my sweet angel in my arms. At 2:30 am, Cameron Xavier was born after 12 hours of labor. Labor that was not physically hard, but mentally hard. It was tough knowing that I was giving birth to a baby I would never take home. Yesterday morning I called my fellow BLM Tiffany because I was so upset and I needed someone that could understand. She knew exactly what I was feeling. I am so glad she took 45 minutes from her morning to give to me. I talked about the bad times of the day, but I also talked about all the great times. I took Cam's pictures out and talked to him for a while. My sweet pea is always on my mind, but he was especially on my mind today of course. I can almost remember how it felt when he would kick. Someone asked if I thought I would be where I am today a year ago. I never would have. First of all I thought I'd have an 8 month old little boy. But even though I don't I didn't think I would be at this point in my grief. I thought I would cry forever. But God has turned my mourning into dancing. I still miss Cameron. I will always love Cameron. But I will see him again. Luke 23:43 is where Jesus tells the thief that today he will be with him in paradise. I think it is only befitting that Cameron's birthday is on Good Friday and that verse is part of the seven last words of Jesus before He died. Cameron is in paradise! Thinking of the 7 last words of Jesus, they are befitting for his birthday.
1.As I found out Cameron died-My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
2. To those that reacted negatively to my grief- Father forgive them, for they know not what they do
3. What God told Cameron- Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise
4. What Cameron told God- Father, into your hands I commit my spirit
5. What God told me and Cameron- Woman, behold your son: behold your mother
6. What I told the nurse (lol)- I thirst (I had not eaten or had anything to drink since 5pm the day before)
7. After giving birth- It is finished 
But just like with Jesus, the death was finished, but the life had just begun. Cameron is spending eternity with his heavenly Father. Happy Birthday baby. No party I could give you can compare to what you have now.

Almost

I hate the word almost. It reminds me of Cameron. I almost was in my third trimester. I almost had a baby shower. I almost had a living child. The word almost means very nearly but not exactly or entirely. And I feel like I will never entirely be happy because my son is not here. I will never be exactly whole because a piece of me is in heaven. I almost had a piece of greatness, but he died. I hate that feeling. The feeling that God snatched away a piece of joy from me. I hate questioning my faith. I know God loves me. (John 3:16) I know he has a plan for me. (Jer 29:11) But some days I feel like he just is not there. (Psalm 22) But in reading that Psalm, David reminds us that God is still there and he does hear our cries! He will never leave us! And that is what has kept me going this past year. The knowledge that God loves me, He has a plan for me, and he will never leave me! But before I can get what God has planned for me, I have to go through the process He has for me. Cameron, my sweet angel Cameron is a part of my process. God has so much in store for me. And the best news is that when I leave this earth, not only will I be with my Father in heaven, but I will be with my son. Nothing is even almost better than that.