Goodbye 2011

As we near the end of another year it is normal to reflect. In my situation it sometimes seems hard to reflect because, I feel stuck. I feel like I'm stuck in April. Like anything that happened after that just doesn't even matter because Cameron is not here to share it with me. But I have started to accept that Cameron is not here. Cameron has passed away from this earth, but thankfully not away from my heart. That is where he lives. That very special place in my heart and no one can take that away. I am thankful for his short, but very meaningful life. He taught me how to love. Not that I have never loved before, but I had never loved like that. I have never loved someone so dearly, that I would have traded my life for theirs. That's how I loved Cameron. I would have taken his place in heaven. But he is waiting on me. And whenever God decides he needs me, I'll be ready.
No this is not a post to say I'm dying. Just to say I finally have come to terms with the fact that all life ends. Some end earlier than others, but God's timing is always right. I believe Cameron's biggest purpose was to open my eyes to the calling on my life. God knew that I would want to be close to Cameron. So he took Cameron with Him. I have no other choice but to totally surrender my life to God's will for me.

Visit

I went to visit Cameron a few days ago. I do not like cemetery visits because it brings back the pain of That Day. But the guilt of not visiting my son feels a lot worse. I took some pictures which I never post because it's a bit private for me. I sang to him, and I cried. The hardest part of this is the empty feeling I take with me everywhere I go. From April 5, 2011 to forever, my life and everything I do, will be covered with this cloud of grief. No matter how happy I feel, I feel like I will never get to truly fully feel that experience because my baby died, and he was supposed to share those happy moments with me.

Shhhh....we don't talk about those things!

AIDS. MISCARRIAGE. ABORTION. Sounds like pretty terrible things for people to go through.... and they are. But they are real and people need to talk about them instead of living in denial. These and other topics seem taboo, but when we sweep them under the rug they just get worse. Okay, let me rewind. Where did all this come from? December is the awareness month for AIDS, which is still a taboo topic, especially in the black community. But the leading new cases of HIV are among black women. Shelby county leads the state not only in HIV, but also fetal and infant mortality. We have to stop living in denial, because the people that are experiencing these things need support. I cannot live in denial about giving birth to a dead baby. The families of people that die from AIDS complications cannot live in denial. The girl that is raped and aborts the baby produced from that rape cannot live in denial. We have to live with it.