Holy Spirit

On facebook I am apart of a group called Love Letter's from Your King. It gives a scripture and a "love letter" from God to women. I never saw the reading for April 6th, Cameron's birthday but I just saw it tonight.

My Princess,
I see how hard you try to handle your heart, and I know you want to live a life without heartaches and pain. I'm asking you to take a step closer to your Father in heaven by crying out to Me when you hurt. Let Me heal you. Remember my chosen, King David? He cried out to Me in his fears, disappointments, and sin, and I answered. You are also My chosen one, and you are My daughter… so it’s okay to cry. I don’t expect you to pretend that pain is not real. It is truth and tears that will give you the freedom that I want you to know. Now let go of that part of your heart that only I can heal. Let your heavenly Daddy hold you while you cry.

Love,
You King who wipes away your tears

“THOSE WHO SOW IN TEARS WILL REAP WITH SONGS OF JOY.”
PSALM 126:5


This of course made me cry. But it also made me realize that I really should not be ashamed to cry. God knows my pain is valid even if people don't and He is the only one that matters. I have and will sow in tears. But it WILL get better. I will always grieve for Cameron, but I won't always be grieving.

House Hunting

Well there comes a time in every young person's life where they have to really buckle down and plan their future. Unlike some in my age group I am not married and refuse to do so. Yes I do want children but I don't want marriage. Not right now anyway. So I am house hunting. And don't need a husband to do it. Because I have been told it can't be done, I have to make it happen. There's the good ol motivation. Thanks naysayers. Anywho, I think I have found what I want. I'm so picky. And I'm only wanting Midtown. For those that are not aware Midtown is a pretty artsy area of Memphis and VERY liberal. One part of me will fit in. So if anyone has suggestions or advice. Feel free to give it.

Last night .....

Last night was really tough for me. I was so angry with, well, everything. I don't like that part of grief. I'm not usually mad about much so the emotion seems foreign. I know that God loves me. I know he loves Cameron. And while I don't understand the way he moves all of the time, I have to accept it. That's the part I get angry about. I just have to deal with Cameron's death. I have to deal with the fact that even if I have 10 healthy babies, I will go into an 11th pregnancy with the fear giving birth to a dead baby. It seems harsh but that is the reality.

I am thankful for a few things. I am thankful for my CHM mommies. They remind me that Cameron's life is just as valid as any other child. They understand that my pain will never go away. They understand the fears that come along with pregnancy after loss. They understand how frustrating it is when people say some of the dumbest things. Thank you so much for understanding. I thank God that He has placed such an amazing group of people in my life.

Angry

I am so angry with EVERYONE. My facebook posts are angry. I don't trust anyone. I feel like my right to motherhood was was violently snatched away. It is not fair. I am tired of hearing people tell me "It was God's will" or "You'll have another baby" SHUT UP! You don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea if I will have another baby or not. You can't promise me that.

I feel like I'm losing friends. I get so angry with everyone. And because my trust in God is not where it was, I definitely don't trust any person. How long will this go on? When will the pain not be as sharp?

To My Friends....

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said, “My, She is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say,
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while,
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.
….Author Unknown

Naiveté

As most know, I have recently started a new job. Well there just happens to be a girl there that is four months pregnant. I don't get upset with her pregnancy, but I am upset with her naiveté. I remember that feeling. If someone had informed me of the pregnancy loss stats before Cameron died, I would have told them they were lying. This is her first pregnancy, I don't think she went into with the amount of fear that BLMs have with pregnancy after loss. That scares me. It scares me to think of another pregnancy that way. I feel like before any of my losses, I thought of pregnancy as this easy peasy deal. Now the thought of it gives me shudders. I feel like my innocence has been snatched away. Like a kid that just found out Santa isn't real.

blah, blah, blah

I hate foolishness. I wish there was a class that people could take to help eradicate foolishness from the world, but so many would not be able to figure out how to sign up. I really wish people would think before they spoke, but I guess I can save that wish for the genie in the bottle. People that I deal with on a regular basis can seem really dumb to me. I wonder why. I think I'm going through a phase. I hope it's just hormones.

Speaking of hormones, my fever is down. Yes, the baby fever is not as strong. Not sure what happened, it just did. Not much going on these days. Still (and will forever) miss Cameron, but other than that life is pretty mundane. (crickets chirp)

Fever

So lately I have had the fever. Baby fever that is. And it's a weird feeling for me because so many other emotions are attached. Now Cameron is my 3rd loss. I have had two 1st trimester losses and of course they still hurt, but it's definitely something different about Cameron. Not only because he was 2nd trimester, but I had just started feeling confident that he would be here in August. So with that being said, the fact that I have baby fever scares me even more. It also brings feelings of sadness and guilt. Sadness because I miss my son, but guilt because I feel like having another baby will make people forget about Cameron. I don't want to forget him. I don't want anyone to forget him. But I do want children. Thankfully I am not allowed to get pregnant until all my testing is done. So I have quite awhile to think about it. But this feeling is the pits! To want something so bad and to feel like God just keeps saying, ummm maybeeeee.......NOT. I sometime feel like this is some cruel joke. But I remind myself, God always has a plan. It gets hard to remember that, but after the tears, sleepless nights and headaches I remember. And it gets a tiny bit better each day.

Bad day

I am sad today. Today was the last day on my job. I will miss my Comcast family. Most of all today I miss Cameron. I thought this would be the perfect time to write because I wasn't sure what to say. I talk to Cameron often, as if he is sitting next to me. I often wonder if it is true what people say. I have been told that the pain will not be as sharp later. I can't believe that right now. The pain seems permanent and comfortable. I feel if I don't have pain, I don't have Cameron. I wish I could go back to the last day I felt him move. That was March 31st. I didn't talk about him in past tense then. It is hard for me to move on with my life because I feel like I'm not supposed to.

‎"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

What to say

For the last few days I have logged on and then stared at my computer screen. I had no idea what to say. Not that I haven't had anything on my mind, I was just not sure how I would put it into words. I still have no clue, but I'll try my best. I have been very angry lately. Angry with the fact that people are moving on with their lives, and I am still stuck. I'm not really sure where I'm stuck. I don't really feel like I can manage more than going to work, and eating at this point. Sure I have plans for next year, but I was not supposed to have those plans. I was supposed to have a 10 month old. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Almost like a robot. I've been programmed for the task, but there is no feeling.

In the middle of writing today I got a call saying I got a new job. I think it would be good to get away from the old stuff. No one knows my story so they may say things that may offend me but they don't know. I have to remind myself that they don't know. I'm glad this happened. I have something to put my mind on for awhile.

Sigh

I have really been trying to blog everyday but work keeps pulling me away. I'm not really sure what to write but lately I've been having the feeling that my life is not supposed to be this way. Right now I should be getting ready for my baby shower next Saturday. But instead I'm mourning my son. Things are just not right.