Oh give thanks

Well Thanksgiving. You came, I conquered. Yesterday I woke up and Cindy was on my heart. I started to call her but I was rushing for work (as usual) so I said a prayer for her and her family. I'm not sure why God placed her so heavy on my heart but he did. Today, Cindy invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner because I have no family here. I am so glad she did. If you have never met a person with the heart of God, give me a call and I'll show you where she is. It was relaxing to be with her because I felt like, if I cry for what seems like no reason at all, she will understand. I almost did cry seeing the story about CHM on the news today. Not a sad cry, but tears of joy. Joy because baby-loss is becoming less of a taboo topic.

In other news, the holiday season is here and it makes me miss Cameron like never before. I was supposed to have a 3 month old. I wish I was changing dirty (cloth) diapers. I wish I was breast-feeding. I wish I was waking up for a baby crying instead of my own. But I'm not. My son is dead. And it hurts. But there is a rainbow after this storm. When I think of all the plans I had for Cameron's life, there is one plan that is more important any other. I wanted him to go to heaven. And he did! And when I think about holding my son, I pray and ask God to cradle me in His arms, so that I can be next to Cameron. For that I am thankful.

Back to Work

Well, this is the last night of official vacation. I am well rested and somewhat ready to go back. I'll miss hanging out with my mama and doing absolutely nothing, but now I'll have to save that for off days. Anywho, while on vacation I read The Help. A great read and movie if you haven't had the chance to check it out. The main character said something I liked. Her son died from a tragic accident. She says, " I was surprised to find out the world kept going even though he didn't." Wowsers. I felt like that Wednesday. I was okay with having fun, until I felt like something was missing. It was Cameron. I was going on, and Cameron wasn't. I was just going through my day and Camron is not here. That's a crappy feeling. But I am starting to accept that his quality of life right now is much better than mine. He's in heaven.

You read this??? WOW!

So first of all, I had no idea so many people read my blog. That makes me feel good because I open up a lot more here than I do with my counselor. Isn't that good use of my money? Anywho, to those that read regularly, thank you. I started writing because I wanted people to know how big of an impact Cameron has made in my life. He was so tiny, yet so meaningful. His life will forever be apart of me, whether I have other children or not.

Secondly, Cameron is the most important person to me. Period. I love my mother dearly, everyone knows that. God is first in my life and I LOVE the Lord. But Cameron is my son. If I mention him, and you have the thought "oh not this again", save me some time and remove yourself from my life. I don't need that. If you don't have a kid at the cemetery, then you are not allowed to tell me how to grieve. I reserve the right to grieve openly and without shame. But not just me, any other baby-loss mom.

Lastly, this is a bit off topic. I am not perfect. That is one of the hardest things for me to say. "Church-folk" sometimes expect you to be perfect when you let them know you have a calling on your life. Well too bad, I'm not. God is perfect. And I allow Him to work perfectly in me.

Friday

Not a day goes by when Cameron Xavier doesn't cross my mind and I love that. Last night at our LAMBS meeting I was able to talk about Cameron freely and without shame. I wish I could do that everywhere I go, but unfortunately the talk of a child in a cemetery makes others uncomfortable. I guess I can't expect everyone to understand, but I wish like heck they did.

I wish Cameron could tell me what heaven is like. I know it's wonderful because it's heaven. This may seem like a random thought (ok sort of) but I often wonder if my angel is watching me. He has to be, I think knowing he is with the Lord is what dries my tears. But I just wish he wasn't untouchable, I mean I would pay $.10 a min to talk to him. Of course I wish he were here for me to change his diaper and things, but if I can't have that, can I get a letter from God telling me he's doing well? I'm gonna end this with something Robin posted on Facebook.

"Dear God, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell him about you, but since I didn't get the chance, will you hold him on your lap and tell him about me?"

Ton of bricks

That's how my pain hit me today. It was unexpected and I was unprepared. I am so tired of hurting, but then I realize that this will never change. April 6th will always be the day I gave birth to a dead baby. And it sucks. It sucks that me or any woman has to go through this. It sucks that women that don't deserve to have children have  plenty, and I can't have my Cameron. Life sucks. It sucks that I have to look at pictures of my star that will never shine on earth. It sucks that no one understands how deeply this hurts every day of my life, and it will hurt for the rest of my life. It sucks that I feel like God let me down. Have you ever prayed and prayed but God still didn't do what you wanted? And not only did he not do what you wanted, he gave you the worst possible outcome. It sucks that instead of picking out cute Halloween costumes I had to pick out flowers for his grave. I hate this. It is not fair. But am I exempt because I feel like I would be a better mother than other women? No, I am not exempt. I am not exempt from bad things happening in my life. And that sucks.


Ecclesiastes 9:11 I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

Cliches

I thought this post would be very appropriate for today since it is National Cliche Day.



When things happen in our lives people have plenty of cliches to "help" us along the way. One the most overused is, "Everything happens for a reason". Ugh, it does but do I have a hear that now? I heard a line in a gospel song that said I don't need another cliche when I'm going through real pain. Everything does happen for a reason, but when I'm really hurting that's not what I need. Just be there for me. My friend Robin posted this today. It's from " In A Heartbeat". "Dear friend, I am sorry your baby has died, I desperately wish I could change what has happened. I have felt your pain, please know I care and I am praying for you. Right now, let god carry you. He won't let go of you. I promise."


The only thing you can promise me is that God can and will ease my pain. You CANNOT promise me more children, you don't have the knowledge or the power. Don't attempt to ease my pain by cliches, they do NOT help. And please don't  think I will not talk about my baby. He is my SON. He is very important to me and a huge part of who I am. He is apart of my daily thoughts, therefore he is apart of my daily conversation.