Now...

Now, a post for what this blog is about. Cameron Xavier. My sweet angel. I miss him everyday. They say this thing gets easier. It gets a LITTLE easier with time. I mean I can get dressed and eat food without crying. But there is a hole in my heart. A piece of me is in heaven. I cry sometimes because I think about what he would have been like. What kind of mother I would be. I get sad when I think about what could have been. What should have been. I get mad when people don't understand that I am a mother. I get upset when I see mothers that could do better. I get really mad when I see a child mistreated. I am very hurt when people don't understand that I will never have a child. Another thing that ticks me off is when people joke about pregnancy. Can you believe someone started a rumor that I am pregnant? What a silly thing to say, especially since I can't have children. Clearly that was started by someone that doesn't know me, but I digress. I miss my baby. I want him here. But I can't have him. It sucks, it hurts, but God has comforted me in amazing ways. He has truly given me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Thoughts...

I think back to how I was just a few years ago. Thank God, I have matured. I remember when little things used to upset me. Some little things still do. But I am learning that everyone is not me. Everyone does not have the same upbringing as me. I try not to fuss. But I still do sometimes. But I am understanding how to be more tactful. My priorities are in the right place. For the most part. I try my best. I just try to be the woman God wants me to be. I still make mistakes, but I try to learn from them. Now when I am in a familiar situation, I look back to what I did or didn't do before. Use what works, try a different method. I guess this is what growing up is like. And now I understand how people older than me feel when they give advice that is not followed. Especially when it's given to someone they love. I want the best for everyone. Even my enemies. I figure if things go right for them they can leave me alone. I try to give when I can. I put God first. I try to glorify Him in everything I do. That's why I understand the trials now. I understand that it's not punishment. The bible says many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all (Ps 34:19) My desire is that others understand that. I know somethings come with time, but I pray that the Lord would open their hearts to know.