Off day

Well I was off work today. Off days are difficult because since I am off during the week, I have no one to keep me distracted. So today was no different, I was alone with my thoughts. I took a mid-day nap and had a dream that my mother and were trying to keep a walrus from coming in the bathroom. I got so tense during the dream when I woke up I had made a fist so tight I scratched myself. What does that mean? A walrus, my mom, and a house we lived in when I was a little girl. I guess I'll have something close to an answer in my next blog. I also had a test today which I aced. (yay!) I have a 4.0 average. Life seems to be moving too fast. We are quickly approaching the 6th and I am mentally preparing myself. I miss Cameron more and more these days and I think it's because he was supposed to almost be here, not be gone.

Good Grief

So I was just reading a fellow BLMs blog and read words that summed up EVERYTHING.

"I miss who he was going to be"

I had so many plans for Cameron. I wanted him to play with trucks and footballs. Get dirty and eat bugs. I wanted to him to hate to take baths and roll in the floor. I feel as though I have a right to motherhood and that has been taken away from me. I went to visit Cam's grave today and had an epiphany. I haven't been robbed of anything. I was blessed with Cameron, therefore blessed to be a mother. Now some may say that he's not here, he died before birth so that doesn't make you a mother. Well, simply stated, they are stupid. I thank God for the time I had with my son. I thank God for placing him in my life and even though he didn't get to do all the things I planned for him, there was one plan that was fulfilled. He went to heaven. That was my ultimate goal for his life. Whether he played for Alabama or not, heaven is eternal and that means I will see him again. Wow. I will see him AGAIN.

Last Weekend

Well this is the last Saturday I will have off for a while. I will be working weekends until the end of the year. It sucks but I am thankful for a job. Today has been a weird day. I had lunch and shopping with my best friends, but now I'm kinda lonely. I think I need a hobby. Anywho, last night I went out and had sushi at Bluefin. I had trendy sushi places. The food is always over-priced and the rolls are too small. I was also very unhappy with them automatically adding gratuity. Now, I am a great tipper. I usually tip about 20%. The server we had should have gotten the minimum of 15%. They added 18% gratuity because it was after 10pm. I was so angry. I guess that was just one of the many things pissing me off this weekend. I'm going through the angry part of my grief right now. I feel like people should stop with every plan they have because my plans were stopped so suddenly. I don't think it's fair that they get to go on with life and I feel like I'm just stuck. It also makes me angry that people are either afraid to talk about Cameron or they bring him up at an awkward moment. I don't think people understand that loss is loss. If I lose my mother, the pain is no greater than the pain of losing my child. In fact, it is the loss of my son that is greater because I never knew him.

"A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is." ~Ronald Reagan

Constructive Grief

I recently found out that a co-worker of mine lost her child at 32 weeks, and I was asked to minister to her. Of course I am always willing to help one in need but I hate that she has to go through the pain. I think it is so unfair. My heart breaks for her. I prayed for her the minute I found out. One thing I am happy about, I am happy that God has equipped me with the tools needed to help someone else. I have a heart to help others. I love to help others. Making others happy makes me feel good. I think that's why I have a tough time having enemies. I may have those that dislike me, but they will still come to me for help.

 ³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

Philippians 2:3-4

My friends and I just made plans to go to Rome next year. I am so excited. The highlight of the trip for me will be going to Ephesus. I will get to walk where Paul walked. Paul is my second favorite person in the Bible. Anywho, this is a dream of mine that I will finally get to let come true. I am very thankful for the opportunity.

Late Nights and Early Mornings

The title of this post is also the title of the album I listen to when I study. Usually because it is either a late night or early morning. I have finally found a way to show the picture that I have of Cameron's feet in an artistic way. Between the books last night I arranged his memory book. It has taken me awhile because I can't always get through it without crying. I have this great picture of his feet and I love it because it shows how much he would have looked like me, I have very long narrow feet and so did he. Looking at that makes me feel closer to him, like we shared an inside joke.

Today's work day was not as bad. I was not as emotional as yesterday. I did get very offended by somethings some co-workers said. I hate when people make assumptions based on their experiences. I guess that's all you can really make assumptions on because that's all you have. Anywho, I just feel like just because you suck at life, doesn't mean you have to tell me I will. I remember in high school a girl (who was 17 with 2 children) told me I would have a baby before 21. Well I didn't because I am 24 and Cameron was my 1st child. Just because she made bad decisions, she assumed I would do the same. But all of that is over now and I am home. Homework here I come.

Rainy Days and Monday

Monday, does anyone look forward to those? I do remember that they were much easier before Cameron died. Today was tougher than most. My sister is getting married and I am very happy for her, but the wedding is on Cameron's due date. I honestly think that if it were any other day I would be a lot more excited but right now I just can't seem to make myself feel any other way. I love my sis and really want her day to be happy, but I can't hide my feelings about my son. There have been good things to happen. I have finally found a support group. Crossheart Ministries is a group of women that have majorly impacted my life in a short time. I feel like I have finally found people that "get it". We meet the 2nd Thursday of each month and I am looking forward to it. It's nice to have something to look forward to.