Fever

So lately I have had the fever. Baby fever that is. And it's a weird feeling for me because so many other emotions are attached. Now Cameron is my 3rd loss. I have had two 1st trimester losses and of course they still hurt, but it's definitely something different about Cameron. Not only because he was 2nd trimester, but I had just started feeling confident that he would be here in August. So with that being said, the fact that I have baby fever scares me even more. It also brings feelings of sadness and guilt. Sadness because I miss my son, but guilt because I feel like having another baby will make people forget about Cameron. I don't want to forget him. I don't want anyone to forget him. But I do want children. Thankfully I am not allowed to get pregnant until all my testing is done. So I have quite awhile to think about it. But this feeling is the pits! To want something so bad and to feel like God just keeps saying, ummm maybeeeee.......NOT. I sometime feel like this is some cruel joke. But I remind myself, God always has a plan. It gets hard to remember that, but after the tears, sleepless nights and headaches I remember. And it gets a tiny bit better each day.