10 minutes

Ten minutes. Doesn't seem long. Unless something happens very quickly, not much can happen. But with God, time is different. Someone told me today to just take thing ten minutes at a time. A day is too much right now. Just ten minutes.Every ten minutes I consciously remind myself that God is in control. I remind myself that he does love me. I remind myself that God is ever present in my life. I remind myself, every ten minutes, that He is same yesterday, today and forevermore. I remind my self that Cameron's death was not my fault. I remind my self that He is in heaven and at peace, feeling no pain. I remind myself that my Gran (Marie) is with him. I remind myself that Grandma (Mamie) is no longer in pain. I remind myself that it is okay to cry and grieve and that grief has no set time. Every ten minutes, I take a deep breath and thank God I still have life, which means I still have purpose. Every ten minutes, I ask for forgiveness. Every ten minutes I ask for clarity. Every ten minutes I am given is a gift from God.

Now...

Now, a post for what this blog is about. Cameron Xavier. My sweet angel. I miss him everyday. They say this thing gets easier. It gets a LITTLE easier with time. I mean I can get dressed and eat food without crying. But there is a hole in my heart. A piece of me is in heaven. I cry sometimes because I think about what he would have been like. What kind of mother I would be. I get sad when I think about what could have been. What should have been. I get mad when people don't understand that I am a mother. I get upset when I see mothers that could do better. I get really mad when I see a child mistreated. I am very hurt when people don't understand that I will never have a child. Another thing that ticks me off is when people joke about pregnancy. Can you believe someone started a rumor that I am pregnant? What a silly thing to say, especially since I can't have children. Clearly that was started by someone that doesn't know me, but I digress. I miss my baby. I want him here. But I can't have him. It sucks, it hurts, but God has comforted me in amazing ways. He has truly given me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Thoughts...

I think back to how I was just a few years ago. Thank God, I have matured. I remember when little things used to upset me. Some little things still do. But I am learning that everyone is not me. Everyone does not have the same upbringing as me. I try not to fuss. But I still do sometimes. But I am understanding how to be more tactful. My priorities are in the right place. For the most part. I try my best. I just try to be the woman God wants me to be. I still make mistakes, but I try to learn from them. Now when I am in a familiar situation, I look back to what I did or didn't do before. Use what works, try a different method. I guess this is what growing up is like. And now I understand how people older than me feel when they give advice that is not followed. Especially when it's given to someone they love. I want the best for everyone. Even my enemies. I figure if things go right for them they can leave me alone. I try to give when I can. I put God first. I try to glorify Him in everything I do. That's why I understand the trials now. I understand that it's not punishment. The bible says many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all (Ps 34:19) My desire is that others understand that. I know somethings come with time, but I pray that the Lord would open their hearts to know.

The beginning

This is the beginning of me. I am writing this on my blog not to receive pity, but to show that God is real. This is also therapeutic for me. If 5,000 people read it, if 5 people read it, I just hope to help one.




Wednesday, September 24, 1986 JoAnn Shields had a C-section. The past 40 weeks she was expecting a little girl that at this point, turned breech and wrapped the umbilical cord around her neck. I was that little girl. From what I am told I was in position but turned at the last minute. According to my mother, she got cut in half to give birth to me. According to my brother, I looked like an apple. But, to the rest of the world, I was Joanna Marie Shields. All 6lbs 15oz and 19 inches. Of course I don't remember much of baby life (who does?) but what I can remember about my early childhood are pretty happy memories. I was in love with my mama (still am), looked up to my brother, and laughed at my Gran. Until I was about three years old, I talked to no one but my mom and the babysitter. I mean, I was able to talk but I just didn't want to. I was simple like that. If I made up my mind about something, that was it. My mom often tells the story of how she asked when I was going to start talking to people. I answered very simply, "When I'm three." On my third birthday, at the party, I greeted people at the door. Now I don't know what my mom thought, but that should have let her know that I did everything when I was ready.

I remember starting school. I went to Mt. Pisgah Day Care in Orange Mound. My grandmother lived in Orange Mound and cooked for the day care. I only vaguely remember kindergarten. I do remember spending a lot of time with my grandmother. I would go to her house after school until my mom got off. I don't remember having an unhappy childhood, but I do remember one detail about this time in my life. I had a great aunt that lived a block away from my grandmother. Sometimes I would stay there. My great aunt has a daughter that is mentally challenged and the daughter has a male friend that is as well. I was about five years old at the time he sexually abused me. I'm not sure but I think he knew it was wrong because he would tell me not to tell anyone. This was the beginning of shame for me. This was when my innocence was snatched away. I still don't feel comfortable going to my great aunt's house. Little did I know, I would battle with abuse for the better part of my life.

Well...

I haven't posted since Cameron's birthday because I just didn't know what to say. But, now I'm back. A lot has happened since but I'm not going to get into that right now. I have decided to write my story. Not because I think it's interesting. It's actually a pretty painful story. But it has a lot of hope, faith and love. And I want to share it. Hopefully I'll have the first part soon.

Happy Birthday Cameron

Wow. One year. It has been one whole year since I held my sweet angel in my arms. At 2:30 am, Cameron Xavier was born after 12 hours of labor. Labor that was not physically hard, but mentally hard. It was tough knowing that I was giving birth to a baby I would never take home. Yesterday morning I called my fellow BLM Tiffany because I was so upset and I needed someone that could understand. She knew exactly what I was feeling. I am so glad she took 45 minutes from her morning to give to me. I talked about the bad times of the day, but I also talked about all the great times. I took Cam's pictures out and talked to him for a while. My sweet pea is always on my mind, but he was especially on my mind today of course. I can almost remember how it felt when he would kick. Someone asked if I thought I would be where I am today a year ago. I never would have. First of all I thought I'd have an 8 month old little boy. But even though I don't I didn't think I would be at this point in my grief. I thought I would cry forever. But God has turned my mourning into dancing. I still miss Cameron. I will always love Cameron. But I will see him again. Luke 23:43 is where Jesus tells the thief that today he will be with him in paradise. I think it is only befitting that Cameron's birthday is on Good Friday and that verse is part of the seven last words of Jesus before He died. Cameron is in paradise! Thinking of the 7 last words of Jesus, they are befitting for his birthday.
1.As I found out Cameron died-My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?
2. To those that reacted negatively to my grief- Father forgive them, for they know not what they do
3. What God told Cameron- Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise
4. What Cameron told God- Father, into your hands I commit my spirit
5. What God told me and Cameron- Woman, behold your son: behold your mother
6. What I told the nurse (lol)- I thirst (I had not eaten or had anything to drink since 5pm the day before)
7. After giving birth- It is finished 
But just like with Jesus, the death was finished, but the life had just begun. Cameron is spending eternity with his heavenly Father. Happy Birthday baby. No party I could give you can compare to what you have now.

Almost

I hate the word almost. It reminds me of Cameron. I almost was in my third trimester. I almost had a baby shower. I almost had a living child. The word almost means very nearly but not exactly or entirely. And I feel like I will never entirely be happy because my son is not here. I will never be exactly whole because a piece of me is in heaven. I almost had a piece of greatness, but he died. I hate that feeling. The feeling that God snatched away a piece of joy from me. I hate questioning my faith. I know God loves me. (John 3:16) I know he has a plan for me. (Jer 29:11) But some days I feel like he just is not there. (Psalm 22) But in reading that Psalm, David reminds us that God is still there and he does hear our cries! He will never leave us! And that is what has kept me going this past year. The knowledge that God loves me, He has a plan for me, and he will never leave me! But before I can get what God has planned for me, I have to go through the process He has for me. Cameron, my sweet angel Cameron is a part of my process. God has so much in store for me. And the best news is that when I leave this earth, not only will I be with my Father in heaven, but I will be with my son. Nothing is even almost better than that.

What I am learning 2

I am learning that I can only control what I can control. And what I can control I still don't control, I have to give it to God. I am learning to save my money for more important stuff. I am learning that love comes in different forms. I am learning that I am not a mind reader and I cannot interpret others' thoughts. I am learning to calm down. I am learning that my mother is right 99% of the time, the other 1% she is half right. I am learning that people really do care and I can trust a few people. I am learning that people mean what they say most of the time. I am learning to let go of the past, but never forget the lesson. I am learning it is okay to talk about Cameron. Wherever I am. I am learning that it is okay to ask for help.

What I am learning

Because I am sooo overwhelmed with emotion, I decided to blog to sort it out. Cameron has been gone almost 10 months....wow. I never thought I would be able to write that without tears. But I just did. I miss my son. But each day I see his purpose in my life more and more. I am learning to be content in whatever state I am in. I am learning not to allow other people feelings toward me dictate how I feel about me. I am learning that just because people don't understand this disease called lupus, doesn't mean it isn't real and it doesn't mean I don't still hurt. Let's stay there for just a minute. I know people don't know as much about it as I do, but if someone close to you is diagnosed, RESEARCH. Idiots. I am trying to be more patient with those that are not as intelligent as me. Umm I am trying to not be as condescending when talking to those people. I love the Lord. I love the calling on my life and I am committing to it.

Goodbye 2011

As we near the end of another year it is normal to reflect. In my situation it sometimes seems hard to reflect because, I feel stuck. I feel like I'm stuck in April. Like anything that happened after that just doesn't even matter because Cameron is not here to share it with me. But I have started to accept that Cameron is not here. Cameron has passed away from this earth, but thankfully not away from my heart. That is where he lives. That very special place in my heart and no one can take that away. I am thankful for his short, but very meaningful life. He taught me how to love. Not that I have never loved before, but I had never loved like that. I have never loved someone so dearly, that I would have traded my life for theirs. That's how I loved Cameron. I would have taken his place in heaven. But he is waiting on me. And whenever God decides he needs me, I'll be ready.
No this is not a post to say I'm dying. Just to say I finally have come to terms with the fact that all life ends. Some end earlier than others, but God's timing is always right. I believe Cameron's biggest purpose was to open my eyes to the calling on my life. God knew that I would want to be close to Cameron. So he took Cameron with Him. I have no other choice but to totally surrender my life to God's will for me.

Visit

I went to visit Cameron a few days ago. I do not like cemetery visits because it brings back the pain of That Day. But the guilt of not visiting my son feels a lot worse. I took some pictures which I never post because it's a bit private for me. I sang to him, and I cried. The hardest part of this is the empty feeling I take with me everywhere I go. From April 5, 2011 to forever, my life and everything I do, will be covered with this cloud of grief. No matter how happy I feel, I feel like I will never get to truly fully feel that experience because my baby died, and he was supposed to share those happy moments with me.

Shhhh....we don't talk about those things!

AIDS. MISCARRIAGE. ABORTION. Sounds like pretty terrible things for people to go through.... and they are. But they are real and people need to talk about them instead of living in denial. These and other topics seem taboo, but when we sweep them under the rug they just get worse. Okay, let me rewind. Where did all this come from? December is the awareness month for AIDS, which is still a taboo topic, especially in the black community. But the leading new cases of HIV are among black women. Shelby county leads the state not only in HIV, but also fetal and infant mortality. We have to stop living in denial, because the people that are experiencing these things need support. I cannot live in denial about giving birth to a dead baby. The families of people that die from AIDS complications cannot live in denial. The girl that is raped and aborts the baby produced from that rape cannot live in denial. We have to live with it.

Oh give thanks

Well Thanksgiving. You came, I conquered. Yesterday I woke up and Cindy was on my heart. I started to call her but I was rushing for work (as usual) so I said a prayer for her and her family. I'm not sure why God placed her so heavy on my heart but he did. Today, Cindy invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner because I have no family here. I am so glad she did. If you have never met a person with the heart of God, give me a call and I'll show you where she is. It was relaxing to be with her because I felt like, if I cry for what seems like no reason at all, she will understand. I almost did cry seeing the story about CHM on the news today. Not a sad cry, but tears of joy. Joy because baby-loss is becoming less of a taboo topic.

In other news, the holiday season is here and it makes me miss Cameron like never before. I was supposed to have a 3 month old. I wish I was changing dirty (cloth) diapers. I wish I was breast-feeding. I wish I was waking up for a baby crying instead of my own. But I'm not. My son is dead. And it hurts. But there is a rainbow after this storm. When I think of all the plans I had for Cameron's life, there is one plan that is more important any other. I wanted him to go to heaven. And he did! And when I think about holding my son, I pray and ask God to cradle me in His arms, so that I can be next to Cameron. For that I am thankful.

Back to Work

Well, this is the last night of official vacation. I am well rested and somewhat ready to go back. I'll miss hanging out with my mama and doing absolutely nothing, but now I'll have to save that for off days. Anywho, while on vacation I read The Help. A great read and movie if you haven't had the chance to check it out. The main character said something I liked. Her son died from a tragic accident. She says, " I was surprised to find out the world kept going even though he didn't." Wowsers. I felt like that Wednesday. I was okay with having fun, until I felt like something was missing. It was Cameron. I was going on, and Cameron wasn't. I was just going through my day and Camron is not here. That's a crappy feeling. But I am starting to accept that his quality of life right now is much better than mine. He's in heaven.

You read this??? WOW!

So first of all, I had no idea so many people read my blog. That makes me feel good because I open up a lot more here than I do with my counselor. Isn't that good use of my money? Anywho, to those that read regularly, thank you. I started writing because I wanted people to know how big of an impact Cameron has made in my life. He was so tiny, yet so meaningful. His life will forever be apart of me, whether I have other children or not.

Secondly, Cameron is the most important person to me. Period. I love my mother dearly, everyone knows that. God is first in my life and I LOVE the Lord. But Cameron is my son. If I mention him, and you have the thought "oh not this again", save me some time and remove yourself from my life. I don't need that. If you don't have a kid at the cemetery, then you are not allowed to tell me how to grieve. I reserve the right to grieve openly and without shame. But not just me, any other baby-loss mom.

Lastly, this is a bit off topic. I am not perfect. That is one of the hardest things for me to say. "Church-folk" sometimes expect you to be perfect when you let them know you have a calling on your life. Well too bad, I'm not. God is perfect. And I allow Him to work perfectly in me.

Friday

Not a day goes by when Cameron Xavier doesn't cross my mind and I love that. Last night at our LAMBS meeting I was able to talk about Cameron freely and without shame. I wish I could do that everywhere I go, but unfortunately the talk of a child in a cemetery makes others uncomfortable. I guess I can't expect everyone to understand, but I wish like heck they did.

I wish Cameron could tell me what heaven is like. I know it's wonderful because it's heaven. This may seem like a random thought (ok sort of) but I often wonder if my angel is watching me. He has to be, I think knowing he is with the Lord is what dries my tears. But I just wish he wasn't untouchable, I mean I would pay $.10 a min to talk to him. Of course I wish he were here for me to change his diaper and things, but if I can't have that, can I get a letter from God telling me he's doing well? I'm gonna end this with something Robin posted on Facebook.

"Dear God, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell him about you, but since I didn't get the chance, will you hold him on your lap and tell him about me?"

Ton of bricks

That's how my pain hit me today. It was unexpected and I was unprepared. I am so tired of hurting, but then I realize that this will never change. April 6th will always be the day I gave birth to a dead baby. And it sucks. It sucks that me or any woman has to go through this. It sucks that women that don't deserve to have children have  plenty, and I can't have my Cameron. Life sucks. It sucks that I have to look at pictures of my star that will never shine on earth. It sucks that no one understands how deeply this hurts every day of my life, and it will hurt for the rest of my life. It sucks that I feel like God let me down. Have you ever prayed and prayed but God still didn't do what you wanted? And not only did he not do what you wanted, he gave you the worst possible outcome. It sucks that instead of picking out cute Halloween costumes I had to pick out flowers for his grave. I hate this. It is not fair. But am I exempt because I feel like I would be a better mother than other women? No, I am not exempt. I am not exempt from bad things happening in my life. And that sucks.


Ecclesiastes 9:11 I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

Cliches

I thought this post would be very appropriate for today since it is National Cliche Day.



When things happen in our lives people have plenty of cliches to "help" us along the way. One the most overused is, "Everything happens for a reason". Ugh, it does but do I have a hear that now? I heard a line in a gospel song that said I don't need another cliche when I'm going through real pain. Everything does happen for a reason, but when I'm really hurting that's not what I need. Just be there for me. My friend Robin posted this today. It's from " In A Heartbeat". "Dear friend, I am sorry your baby has died, I desperately wish I could change what has happened. I have felt your pain, please know I care and I am praying for you. Right now, let god carry you. He won't let go of you. I promise."


The only thing you can promise me is that God can and will ease my pain. You CANNOT promise me more children, you don't have the knowledge or the power. Don't attempt to ease my pain by cliches, they do NOT help. And please don't  think I will not talk about my baby. He is my SON. He is very important to me and a huge part of who I am. He is apart of my daily thoughts, therefore he is apart of my daily conversation.

To My Friends....

Hello old friend, Oh yes you know I lost my child a while ago. No, no please, don’t look away And change the subject, It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel, It took so long, but now it’s real. I hurt so much inside you see I need to talk, come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long, And people said, “My, she is so strong.” They did not know I couldn’t feel, My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke I clutched my chest, began to choke, Such a scream, such a wail, Broke from me.. My child! My child! The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see, Everyone except for me. Now, when I need friends most of all, Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear, When I mention my child, I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,” Their eyes seem to say--No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today. So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”. But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile, As I have from the start, You never knowing all the while, All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

Answering the call

In order for me to sleep at night I had to answer the call. It took a lot for me to get to this point. But as always God is in control. I was so worried about what people would think, I didn't stop to think about that those factors don't matter. God has called me to serve His people in a special way. I am, and have always been, a minister of the Gospel. It was more of a burden to run away than it is to surrender. In fact, my surrender has given me an unspeakable joy.