What I am learning 2

I am learning that I can only control what I can control. And what I can control I still don't control, I have to give it to God. I am learning to save my money for more important stuff. I am learning that love comes in different forms. I am learning that I am not a mind reader and I cannot interpret others' thoughts. I am learning to calm down. I am learning that my mother is right 99% of the time, the other 1% she is half right. I am learning that people really do care and I can trust a few people. I am learning that people mean what they say most of the time. I am learning to let go of the past, but never forget the lesson. I am learning it is okay to talk about Cameron. Wherever I am. I am learning that it is okay to ask for help.

What I am learning

Because I am sooo overwhelmed with emotion, I decided to blog to sort it out. Cameron has been gone almost 10 months....wow. I never thought I would be able to write that without tears. But I just did. I miss my son. But each day I see his purpose in my life more and more. I am learning to be content in whatever state I am in. I am learning not to allow other people feelings toward me dictate how I feel about me. I am learning that just because people don't understand this disease called lupus, doesn't mean it isn't real and it doesn't mean I don't still hurt. Let's stay there for just a minute. I know people don't know as much about it as I do, but if someone close to you is diagnosed, RESEARCH. Idiots. I am trying to be more patient with those that are not as intelligent as me. Umm I am trying to not be as condescending when talking to those people. I love the Lord. I love the calling on my life and I am committing to it.

Goodbye 2011

As we near the end of another year it is normal to reflect. In my situation it sometimes seems hard to reflect because, I feel stuck. I feel like I'm stuck in April. Like anything that happened after that just doesn't even matter because Cameron is not here to share it with me. But I have started to accept that Cameron is not here. Cameron has passed away from this earth, but thankfully not away from my heart. That is where he lives. That very special place in my heart and no one can take that away. I am thankful for his short, but very meaningful life. He taught me how to love. Not that I have never loved before, but I had never loved like that. I have never loved someone so dearly, that I would have traded my life for theirs. That's how I loved Cameron. I would have taken his place in heaven. But he is waiting on me. And whenever God decides he needs me, I'll be ready.
No this is not a post to say I'm dying. Just to say I finally have come to terms with the fact that all life ends. Some end earlier than others, but God's timing is always right. I believe Cameron's biggest purpose was to open my eyes to the calling on my life. God knew that I would want to be close to Cameron. So he took Cameron with Him. I have no other choice but to totally surrender my life to God's will for me.

Visit

I went to visit Cameron a few days ago. I do not like cemetery visits because it brings back the pain of That Day. But the guilt of not visiting my son feels a lot worse. I took some pictures which I never post because it's a bit private for me. I sang to him, and I cried. The hardest part of this is the empty feeling I take with me everywhere I go. From April 5, 2011 to forever, my life and everything I do, will be covered with this cloud of grief. No matter how happy I feel, I feel like I will never get to truly fully feel that experience because my baby died, and he was supposed to share those happy moments with me.

Shhhh....we don't talk about those things!

AIDS. MISCARRIAGE. ABORTION. Sounds like pretty terrible things for people to go through.... and they are. But they are real and people need to talk about them instead of living in denial. These and other topics seem taboo, but when we sweep them under the rug they just get worse. Okay, let me rewind. Where did all this come from? December is the awareness month for AIDS, which is still a taboo topic, especially in the black community. But the leading new cases of HIV are among black women. Shelby county leads the state not only in HIV, but also fetal and infant mortality. We have to stop living in denial, because the people that are experiencing these things need support. I cannot live in denial about giving birth to a dead baby. The families of people that die from AIDS complications cannot live in denial. The girl that is raped and aborts the baby produced from that rape cannot live in denial. We have to live with it.

Oh give thanks

Well Thanksgiving. You came, I conquered. Yesterday I woke up and Cindy was on my heart. I started to call her but I was rushing for work (as usual) so I said a prayer for her and her family. I'm not sure why God placed her so heavy on my heart but he did. Today, Cindy invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner because I have no family here. I am so glad she did. If you have never met a person with the heart of God, give me a call and I'll show you where she is. It was relaxing to be with her because I felt like, if I cry for what seems like no reason at all, she will understand. I almost did cry seeing the story about CHM on the news today. Not a sad cry, but tears of joy. Joy because baby-loss is becoming less of a taboo topic.

In other news, the holiday season is here and it makes me miss Cameron like never before. I was supposed to have a 3 month old. I wish I was changing dirty (cloth) diapers. I wish I was breast-feeding. I wish I was waking up for a baby crying instead of my own. But I'm not. My son is dead. And it hurts. But there is a rainbow after this storm. When I think of all the plans I had for Cameron's life, there is one plan that is more important any other. I wanted him to go to heaven. And he did! And when I think about holding my son, I pray and ask God to cradle me in His arms, so that I can be next to Cameron. For that I am thankful.

Back to Work

Well, this is the last night of official vacation. I am well rested and somewhat ready to go back. I'll miss hanging out with my mama and doing absolutely nothing, but now I'll have to save that for off days. Anywho, while on vacation I read The Help. A great read and movie if you haven't had the chance to check it out. The main character said something I liked. Her son died from a tragic accident. She says, " I was surprised to find out the world kept going even though he didn't." Wowsers. I felt like that Wednesday. I was okay with having fun, until I felt like something was missing. It was Cameron. I was going on, and Cameron wasn't. I was just going through my day and Camron is not here. That's a crappy feeling. But I am starting to accept that his quality of life right now is much better than mine. He's in heaven.