To My Friends....

Hello old friend, Oh yes you know I lost my child a while ago. No, no please, don’t look away And change the subject, It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel, It took so long, but now it’s real. I hurt so much inside you see I need to talk, come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long, And people said, “My, she is so strong.” They did not know I couldn’t feel, My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke I clutched my chest, began to choke, Such a scream, such a wail, Broke from me.. My child! My child! The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see, Everyone except for me. Now, when I need friends most of all, Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear, When I mention my child, I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,” Their eyes seem to say--No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today. So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”. But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile, As I have from the start, You never knowing all the while, All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

Answering the call

In order for me to sleep at night I had to answer the call. It took a lot for me to get to this point. But as always God is in control. I was so worried about what people would think, I didn't stop to think about that those factors don't matter. God has called me to serve His people in a special way. I am, and have always been, a minister of the Gospel. It was more of a burden to run away than it is to surrender. In fact, my surrender has given me an unspeakable joy.

Retell the story

It's been six months. It feels like yesterday. For those that hadn't heard the story, here it is.


Fear. Everyone has it but no one will admit to it. At some point we have to face many of our fears. As crazy as it may sound, facing a fear is the way to overcome it. Six months ago, without my knowledge I would be facing something I feared the most, death. It is not something I have overcome, but I am learning how to handle it. Here is my story.

I was twenty-two weeks pregnant. This is the "easy" time in pregnancy. By easy I mean not as hard as the first trimester. For the most part I was a happy pregnant woman. I still went to work everyday, went out with my friends, shopping etc. My pregnancy really did not hinder much of my usual activity. My health was in good shape, my son was doing just fine and everything was right on schedule. I decided we could finally start shopping for baby things. Life was good.

 April 4, 2011, I was extremely sick. It stormed that night and my power went out, so I went to my Will's house and stayed the night. He stayed up to take care of me the whole night. I remember thinking, I hope the baby is okay. It was a very restless night. Even with everything going on, I tried to remain positive and get as much rest as I could. I still had to work in the morning. The next day I did my best to get up for work. I didn't drive to work because I was still not feeling well, but I told Will to stay close because I might be leaving work early. I felt horrible. I also felt anxious because had not eaten and wanted to make sure the baby was okay. I stayed at work maybe an hour before I left to go to the hospital. This was when my life would change forever.

 I called my Will to meet me at the hospital because I had been taken by ambulance. By the time I got settled into a room, he had arrived. The first nurse came in to check my son's heartbeat using a Doppler. She was having trouble finding it. With me being as far along as I was I knew something was wrong. She should be able to hear his heartbeat. The brought in another nurse and an ultrasound machine. When I saw his image on the screen, I was facing my worst fear. My son had no heartbeat. He was dead. For any mother, this is her worst fear. To see the nurse type no fetal heartbeat was the one thing I never wanted to see, but was forced to face. MY SON WAS DEAD. As horrible and cruel that is, it was true. I now had to bury a baby I never got to meet.

 I was in labor twelve hours. April 6, 2011, Cameron Xavier Foreman was born sleeping. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He had my nose and his dad's eyebrows. I wish I could have held him forever, but I had to bury him. A bittersweet moment. I get to hold this perfect child, but death is taking him away.

 For the past six months, I have been working to spread awareness of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Even though it was not my choice to face this particular fear, through this I have a gained a need to serve my community. I am more aware of every moment I have with my loved ones, and a lot more thankful. I would not say that I have overcome, but I will say that I will never be the same.

My niece.......(Vent)

OK, I need to vent about something. And I hope the necessary parties see this. I am venting on my blog because I actually cannot go to this person about it because it really is not my business. If I say something to the person it may cause more confusion than is needed. And honestly maybe saying it on my blog will cause the same amount of confusion, but it's my blog so I'll say what I want.

Children are a blessing. No matter their behavior, who their parents are, etc. If you enter a marriage with someone that has children, that says you are willing to be apart of that child's life. Here's what I am upset about. There is a child close to me that is being treated differently than her brother because she is the stepchild. Both parents (the father is biological) say that this is because her behavior is not up to par. But I know this child can feel the rejection from her stepmother, she may only be 7, but she knows when something isn't right. This of course angers me. The child is my niece. My brother's firstborn. He has a son with his wife and it seems to me the son is favored of my niece. Now both children are blessings and both children are loved. But my niece seems to be the outcast and I think she deserves just as much love and affection as my nephew. Now I know you're thinking, what could make you think that your brother doesn't love his daughter as much as his son? It's not him, it's his wife. For example, they recently bought a beautiful home. They have 4 bedrooms and a bonus room. There is a master, an office, a playroom, and a guest room. Now I believe my nephew sleeps in the room with his parents. When my niece is over she sleeps in the guest room. Here's my issue. They make this big to-do about this playroom for my nephew, but nothing in that house represents my niece. Is she not my brother's child? Recently my mother spent the day with my niece. While she was happy to have the time with her granddaughter, she felt as though they were just throwing her to the side so that it could just be the three of them. I don't think it's fair. I don't want my niece to grow up with the same rejection from her father and stepmother as I have.
Here's a thought I had. Though I never wish anyone to lose a child, I often wonder if my SIL had experienced a loss before having her first child, would she be softer toward my niece. Before losing Cameron, I never had much patience for children. After losing Cameron I felt I had all this mothering I needed to do, all this love to give but no one to physically share it with. So I'm a lot more patient with children. I love to hear a happy baby and want to console a crying baby. So I wonder, if she had ever been in my shoes, would she act differently. The life of a child is too precious to ignore.

God Equipping Me

I am learning that everything that I'm going through, everything that I have been through is God equipping me for this next assignment. All the struggles, heartbreaks and losses I have had in the past six months alone has given me an amazing testimony. But I have to tell while I'm in the midst of the storm, because even though I'm hurting, God has not left me.

“I used to be Much Muchier, But then I lost my Muchness.”- Alice In Wonderland

Five months ago, I was expecting a son. I was expecting dirty diapers and breast-feeding. Terrible twos and learning to tie shoes. Kindergarten and finger painting. Tricycles and boo-boos. But I got none of that. My muchness I had five months ago is gone. All I have now are pictures and shadowbox of memories. I wanted my son to be a right now, not a memory. I want him to be present not past. I hate this lesson that I am learning. I wish I could be learning how to make baby food instead of learning to grieve. My muchness is gone. Everything that made up Joanna has now changed because Cameron is not here. I was told today that mothers carry their children in their hearts no matter how old the child is and even if the child is not here. That is so true. Before I was pregnant with Cameron, I was just Joanna. I am now Cameron's MOTHER. That word is so important to me because it validates me as a mother, but it also validates Cameron as my son. It validates that Cameron was my muchness.

Breast Cancer Awareness...umm you failed

Ok I'm going to be the party pooper. :( I know someone will get offended. I hope instead of being angry, if you participated in the latest facebook "breast cancer awareness game", that instead, you will open your heart and listen to me and maybe be able to see things from a different perspective. Our circumstances tend to be the basis for our opinions right? Ok. :)

Last year a game was started on facebook, to "raise breast cancer awareness". Women emailed other women, to keep it a "secret from men" (because we know that helps cancer patients), of how to play, to post their bra color as their status, so men would wonder what the fuss was all about, and somehow, this was helping to raise breast cancer awareness. Maybe because bra's are for breasts, that was the link *shrugs* It even made it on the news. 

Then it became posting where you like to leave your purse by saying "I like it on _____", so you were left with a sexually suggestive status message. For instance, "I like it on the chair in my office" Again, I'm having difficulty understanding how this helps anything related to breast cancer. And what is the point in "hiding it from men", when men TOO can be the victims of breast cancer... but many don't know.. because nobody tells them!

Then we were told in secret, to post our shoe size, but in inches, another sexually suggestive status message. So I guess if you have big feet, or small feet... well you get it. In the end, most people had NO idea it had anything to do with Breast Cancer Awareness. :(

Now another game is being played. This particular game, was when I had enough and felt I needed to speak up. We now have women on facebook pretending to be pregnant by choosing a number representing their birth month, and birthdate. The birth month states how many weeks "pregnant" you are, and the birthdate claims what you are craving". There was a list of candy to choose from. For instance, had I played the game, my facebook status message would have said, "I am 13 weeks and craving gummy bears!"

When someone figures out that it's a game and that person is not really pregnant, they are not an ounce more educated about breast cancer than before they fell for it. :)

I'm not playing this game. As it appears, I can not have anymore children due to lupus. I have suffered 3 losses, one of which was at 22 weeks and has changed my life forever. As you can imagine, pretending to be pregnant as a joke, is downright vulgar to me. 

From this game, I witnessed someones mother become ELATED at thinking she was about to be a grandmother by her daughters participation in the "game". It took nearly a day for her daughter to sign back onto facebook (I'm assuming she has a job :) ) and tell her she would email her, the email that informed her that no blessing was on its way. I haven't seen that girls mother say much since then on her page in the last few days. Is it related to her post? I don't know. Maybe not. But, nonetheless, at least for a bit there I imagine she felt like a dream come true for her had just been ripped out of her chest. But hey, it was for charity right? I mean, come on, it's for a good cause, why should anyone say anything bad about it! I'm not alone in feeling this way. 

I'm the sure next comment will be... "yes but now people are more aware of Breast Cancer Awareness because of the game". Again.. this whole thing is an epic fail. All this has done is cause strife and divided us as women. Not drawn us together. Not taught us anything about a serious medical issue at all. It is still pointless and insensitive. And I don't believe the original intentions of the creator was for Breast Cancer Awareness at all. This is now being sugar coated to retaliate against the infertile community who is now in an uproar. Naturally we are always labeled as bitter. We're rather used to it. We get called bitter when we feel no "bitterness" at all. Please stop stereotyping us. We know you didn't originally intend to hurt us at all. Of course not. But when you tell us to lighten up after we say "ouch", that's when it feels personal. Instead, just say, "I didn't think of it that way". Because we know you probably didn't. What ever happened to a good old fashioned apology without a "but, but, but!" right after it? I'm not lashing out at the people who sent it to me, gosh I know you probably meant nothing by it. I still love all of you :), promise!

Yes, I know. We judge others based on their actions and ourselves based on our intentions. It is a human flaw. I don't see how a passionate intention to help spread Breast Cancer Awareness could have ever been the focal point in starting this game. This was a game that never should have had the Breast Cancer Awareness Cause pinned onto it. Let's find more productive respectful ways to spread awareness instead of using silly facebook status messages. As a society, we have just GOT to be more creative than THAT. I believe that in my heart of hearts. We can do better! You know which one really worked that WAS funny and WAS focused on Breast Cancer Awareness!? The "feel your boobies" and "save the tata's" campaign! :)